Some geographical doggerels about places in Britain.



ABERGAVENNY

If you’re visiting the castle at Abergavenny,
(And you’ve read Giraldus) become one of many:
Ask to see the arrowheads left sticking in the gate
"To this day” - as he noted, in 1188.


BARNET

A man fell at the Battle of Barnet
Who was the spirit of power-broking incarnate:
- So at the tube station, there, you'll see on a sign:
"For Warwick the Kingmaker, this was the end of the line."


BATH

While, at first, after moving to Bath,
She’d found living there a bit of a laugh,
Gradually its uniformity started to vex her
- Lord, the monotony of Palladian architecture!


BEACHEY HEAD

“Tell the cabbie you want the very top of Beachey Head,”
The money-saving tip, from Exit, read:
“Because, if you’re quick on your feet, when he puts you off there,
You’ll be over the edge before he can ask for the fare.”


BIRMINGHAM

Rumours have started to circulate about Birmingham.
This is a government statement confirming them:
“Last night someone noticed it had vanished into thin air:
It may be nearly a week since it hasn’t been there.”




BRIGHTON

As a place to have a seaside holiday, Brighton,
For some, turns out not to be the right one:
Rushing down to the beach with little flags, spade and bucket,
They see nothing but pebbles and think to themselves: “Dammit!”



BURY

Take that Ramsbottom - Bury
Trip, that’s so very
Nice’n’ pretty, down to Manchester city: get your kicks
On the M66.



CLAPHAM JUNCTION

If they closed down Clapham Junction
South London would cease to function
And the entire population of Ewell
Would end up living on gruel!



COVENTRY

Hearing Lady Godiva would ride into Coventry,
One townsman, named Tom, exclaimed: “Wow, this I’ve gotta see!”
- The others said: ”See? - nothing should be further from your mind!
By the way - your other bad habit: it makes you go blind.”



CRAWLEY

There must be a guide to local ghosts called ‘Creepy Crawley,’
And body-builders known as the Hurley burly, surely;
And though there's some junk shop sells old Rattar tat, probably,
I find the case for there once being a Wibley, wobbly.



DAWLISH

They tell tales in Dawlish,
Best described as tallish:
“Those cliffs are New Red Sandstone,” I was told,
“- So called because it’s only two hundred million years old.”



DOVER

Everybody in Dover
Loves to do the Bossa Nova
- See them at it each night in their local palais
(It’s down by where the ferries get in from Calais).




EDINBURGH

Why was Edinburgh
Named after some Anglo-Saxon king, or other,
And Swansea after Swein (apparently a Dane)
And was the Elephant and Castle really a lady of Spain?



GLENCOE

Please, don't do as was done, at Glencoe:
(Just turn up, be beastly to your hosts and then go)
Take them something from your garden - legume or brassica
- Also try and avoid committing a massacre.



HADRIAN’S WALL

You'll notice with Hadrian’s Wall,
Whole stretches just aren't there at all
- Like the half-dozen miles of it that suffered the fate
Of providing foundations for the B6318.



HARROW

As you stand on top of that hill in Harrow,
And the east wind chills you to the marrow,
Here’s a thought to make you feel cheerier:
There’s nothing but the Urals between you and Siberia.



HASTINGS

“Shall I go out to that site,” I thought, while in Hastings,
“Where the English army got one of its greatest pastings?”
And while deciding, found that I just couldn’t stay away
From their dizzy-height-ascending funicular railway.



KING’S LYNN

King’s Lynn
- City of sin!
They found a standing Romanesque house (in a town
- One of Britain's last) and knocked it down.



LOCH NESS

“Buy insect repellent!” Summer visitors to Loch Ness
Should be told, “- or your face will end up a swollen mess.”
They talk of a huge beast, the idea of which is absurd,
But about real monsters - those midges - you never hear a word.



MORAY FIRTH

Porpoises, avoid the Moray Firth
Or risk being found washed up dead in the surf
- In those waters, thuggish dolphins, on several occasions,
Have killed one of you lot - their smaller, fellow cetaceans!



NEWPORT (GWENT)

I find it a rather cacophonous word, ‘Newport’
- Yet one towns seem to like (it’s a name quite a few sport)
To the extent that those people in Gwent prefer to bear with
Its ugly sound, though their city has an alias: Casnewydd



PAIGNTON

Is there a better place to move to than Paignton,
If you’ve only six months left to live? No, there ain’t one!
As Tommy Cooper said, you’ll be so bored to tears
That six months spent there will feel just like six years!



PENZANCE

How nice of those who live in Penzance
To use the Cornish word for ants
As their pejorative term for we people who swarm
Into their county when the weather gets warm.



PERTH

Once, from Monday to Saturday, Perth
Was a laughter loving city of mirth
(It was to make up for Sunday
Which was a strictly ‘no fun’ day)


 ROTHERHAM


Fourteen-hundred young Christian girls raped in Rotherham,
And the locals don't seem to have let it bother them:
In stead, they voted the Muslim-appeasing shower
Who let it happen, back into power.



RUGELEY

With the trial of poisoner, William Palmer, from Rugeley,
Natives saw its spotless reputation made all smudgy:
“Call our town something else,” they cried, “rid us of this ill fame.”
So Palmerston said “Alright - you can give it my name.”



ST ALBANS

Towns that have had two big battles? Well there’s St Albans
And Newbury - also Dunbar and Falkirk - they’re more ones
(And while in that country where they like their pipes, skirling:
Bannockburn was really just another fight at Stirling.)




ST IVES  (CAMBRIDGESHIRE)

Cambridgeshire’s St Ives,
Stop complicating our lives!
We have to distinguish you from your namesake, yet you don’t lack
An alternative - you were called Slepe - change your name back!



ST MICHAEL’S MOUNT

St Michael’s Mount’s
Gift shop sells, by all accounts,
More ornamental sea-shells
Than Mont St Michel’s.



SLOUGH

The best known thing said about Slough,
From ancient times right up to now,
Is (sad to relate) Betjeman’s call
On friendly bombs to come there and fall.



SPITTLE

Granted, if there’s one thing you can’t lick Spittle’s
Young beer-swillers at, it’s skittles
But when it comes to a game of pool, no-one can shoot one
Like one of those tearaways from Hooton.




STAMFORD HILL

Just mention Stamford Hill
And my head starts to fill
With mental pictures
Of Lubovitchers.



TRAFALGAR SQUARE

I stopped by at Trafalgar Square
And saw Nelson high up in the air;
Then I went and nipped
Over to St Paul’s, where he’s down in the crypt.



WANTAGE

In Wantage
They're really into bondage
So take along fluffy handcuffs, when you go on a date
With a girl from the birthplace of Alfred the Great.




WARMINSTER

With the little green men gone, no longer do Warminster’s
Bachelors or spinsters
Find mates during vigils, looking out for UFO’s
- Who said what, that alienated the aliens, goodness knows!



WEST  DRAYTON

As the red-blooded males of West Drayton
Get stuck in to their fried eggs and bacon
Those health conscious wusses in Yiewsley
Are making do with a bowl of muesli.



WHITECHAPEL

'White Chappell' had sat in the library in Whitechapel,
For three years and never been borrowed - "I might grapple
With Sinclair's prose - why not?"- a thought that had passed through
No local's mind: so I took it out - well, someone had to!



WIRRAL

Alas, in the Wirral,
They had to shoot a squirrel
After attacks that resulted in the spilling of much blood,
It launched to save its acorns from toddlers, in Knutsford.



WOKING

I get the urge, when there’s mention of Woking,
To imitate Jim Carrey, in ‘the Mask,’ and exclaim: “Smoking!”
It being there, back in the reign of Queen Victoria,
They built the very first of this country’s crematoria.



WYE, RIVER

“I know there’s an Exe and a Wye,”
The old fool said, with a sigh,
“But what bothers my poor  head
Is: why is there no River Zed?”



YORK

I took my time machine to York,
And went back a thousand years to talk
With a local - in particular to ask: “Look here, mate,
If that’s what you call a street, what d’you call a gate?”