New Age Welsh Unitary Authority Tarot Pack: the trump cards
Friday 11th March, 2016

As they are about to reorganise the Welsh local authorities I thought now would be an appropriate time to reveal the truth about the current set up:-

 'The New Age Welsh Unitary Authority Tarot Pack':
 a guide to its use: examples of meditative encounters with characters from the Major Trumps
    [It is a little known fact that Welsh local government was re-organised in 1996 for the sole purpose of turning the entire principality into a vast, open air representation of the major trump cards in a Tarot deck.
    The civil service and parliamentary committee occultists who did this were bureaucrats enough simply to attribute the twenty-two unitary authorities to the numerically sequenced cards in a straight alphabetical order, although the sharp eyed reader will notice that they seem to have misplaced Cardiff, which, inexplicably, comes before Caerphilly. The reason for their doing so is a profound secret, revealed only to adepts, at their initiation into the highest level (that of the nth Degree) of the Sacred Order of the Golden Shower.

    The anonymous writer of the manual that comes with the pack, specially redesigned for this magical/geographical link-up, envisages the user entering the scenes shown on the cards, by means of deep meditation, and communicating with the figures who appear there - the vision seeming all the more concrete because of its being set in a landscape from the appropriate Welsh administrative district.
    In this appendix, he gives an example of what has been said to him by each of the figures on his visits to this 'astral plane', but first notes that they all seem to have a mild obsession with local rivers, lakes etc. He thinks this is a coded signal, telling those who approach that they are the authentic spirits of the trump cards. He seems unaware that prank-playing water spirits are notorious for doing impressions of higher beings, just for the fun of it.]

ANGLESEY
0 - The Fool

I’m a fool from Anglesey.
Bet you're wondering: what could those jingles and jangles be?
Well, it's the bells on my cap that you hear tintinabulate
- Oops! I've gone and fallen into the Menai Strait.



BLAENAU GWENT
I - The Magus

I’m a magus in Blaenau Gwent
-  I once did some stage conjuring, to pay the rent,
So now they say things like: "Mass hypnosis - that must be how he
Does that 'river flowing uphill' trick, with the Sirhowy!"
 


BRIDGEND
II - The High Priestess

I'm a chaste high-priestess of Bridgend.
When, by moonlight, to a sacred grove I wend,
Boys may catch a glimpse of ankle but they won't see a lot more
- It's 'girls only' at my ritual nude bathes in the Ogmore.
 


CARDIFF
III - The Empress

I'm an Emprethth on a thtate vithit to Cardiff.
Thadly, I can’t have a look at Doctor Who’th Tardith:
- “There’th been an accthident,” thaid one of the thtudio thtaff,
“It’th jutht re-materialithed at the bottom of the Taff.”



CAERPHILLY
IV - The Emperor

I'm an Emperor, and as I passed through Caerphilly,
Overhearing two Cardiff graduates say something silly:
("Empires are passé"), I had my men give those alumni
Of that college for boozers, a dunking in the Rhymney.
 


CARMARTHANSHIRE
V - The High Priest

I'm the high priest of pagan shrines, in Camarthanshire:
Being into wooden idols, I encouraged them to carve ones, here:
Then one day, a passing tourist saw one and gasped: "Wowee!"
- Now we sell cheap reproductions in a shop by the Tywi.



CEREDIGION
VI - The Lovers

We're a pair of lovers in Ceredigion
And ain’t I the eager-to-get-jiggy one
When I get back from six months at sea - I’m in the navy
- She’s swept straight of her feet and down to a bank by the Teifi!

 

CONWY
VII - The Chariot

I often drive my chariot on the roads around Conwy:
I find it helps dissipate any feelings of ennui.
Sometimes my mates dress as Celts and, with me in a wig, we
Re-enact Boudicca's revolt, on the banks of the Llugwy.



DENBIGHSHIRE
VIII - Justice

I'm a lady justice, the very symbol of law, in Denbighshire:
Today, I applied that legal code the whole world envies, here,
When new age travellers (one of them dressed as a druid!)
All got fined for skinny dipping, in the Afon Clwyd.


 

FLINTSHIRE
IX - The Hermit

I’m a hermit of Flintshire:
After living for years with just my Doberman Pinscher,
I scratch my ear with my foot, when troubled by a flea
And fetch sticks, in my mouth, from the waters of the Dee.

 

GWYNEDD
X Wheel of Fortune
 
 We're on an out-of-control Ferris wheel in Gwynedd.
(By the way, this is Myf, I'm Dai and we call him, Nev).
This spinning is turning the funfair into a swimming gala
- People are flying off at tangents and into Lake Bala.


 
MERTHYR TYDFIL
XI - Strength
 
I'm a woman with a lion taming act, in Merthyr Tydfil:
My beast is obedient and the money keeps me out of skidsville.
I used to take him for walks along that riverside path
- But people we met kept panicking and jumping in the Taff.
 


MONMOUTHSHIRE
XII - The Hanged Man
 
I'm star of 'The End of Il Duce' - being filmed in Monmouthshire:
For this bit: "What, no mistress? - There's lots of wrong stuff, here!
- That's not how he dangled!" was our history expert's cry
- But the director just told him to go and jump in the Wye.



NEATH/PORT TALBOT
XIII - Death

I'm a curer of all ills, now, briefly, in Neath-Port Talbot
- But an appointment with me some where’s, something you've all got
- My treatment ends any pain (you'll never have felt number)
And is as cooling as a midwinter dip in the Cymmer.



 

NEWPORT
XIV - Temperance

I'm a temperance girl, fighting the good fight, in Newport:
(How much havoc, in this town, I ask you, has booze wrought!)
- But beer deliverymen can't resist a whiff of musk,
So I seduce them - then get them to pour their loads into the Usk!


 
POWYS
XV - The Tower

I'm an army explosives guy in our storehouse in Powys
And if ever there was a good time for prayer, now is!
- Fire's broken out ... aaagh! ... huh? ... We're in a river - not heaven!
- But the magazine was two hundred yards from the Severn!


 

PEMBROKESHIRE
XVI - The Devil
 
I'm Old Nick, on a pre-arranged visit to Pembrokeshire:
All my covens have been waiting for me on tenterhooks, here
- I've come to sit for an artist - I'm having my image graven
(They're starting a waxworks on the shores of Milford Haven).






 

RHONDDA CYNON TAF
XVII - The Star

I'm a star, shining down on Rhondda Cynon Taf:
Those pigs may have plotted me on that Hertzsprung-Russell graph,
But I'm as enigmatic as the smile of 'la Giaconda,'
I like to think, as I gaze at my reflection in the River Rhondda.

 

SWANSEA
XVIII - The Moon

Why do we dogs serenade the full moon, here in Swansea,
When men say: "Don't worship goddesses - you'll go poncey!"?
Well, we've never laid eyes on an Allah or Yahweh,
While she makes the tide go up and down, in the Tawe.

 

TORFAEN
XIX - The Sun

We're twins dehydrating under the sun, in Torfaen
(Around here, we're not used to the weather being so fine)
Some beer would be nice to make up our loss of fluid
- But all we've got is this stream that feeds the Afon Lwyd.

 

VALE OF GLAMORGAN
XX - Last Judgement

I'm sounding the last trump, in the Vale of Glamorgan:
Some stay intact for this, by not donating an organ -
Heh-heh!  when they rise from their graves, they're going to have an
Awful shock, as they float off to doom, down the Nant Llancarfan.



WREXHAM
XXI - The World

I'm a woman, who does naked tai chi, here in Wrexham:
I believe muscles get more supple if you stretch and flex them,
Exposed to the elements (ouch! - I just kicked a hedgehog!),
So I work out in this fairy ring, by the Clywedog.